Overburdened
by Gabs
Summary: Sark must pay the price for betraying the one he loves.


**Overburdened**

**Disclaimer:** I don't own them, don't claim I do. No suing, kthx.

Written by Gabs

Co-authored and beta'd by Beckage

_AN: This is for the SD-1 Jan/Feb 06 challenge. The elements:_

_1. A parachute jump  
2. The quote: "You stay alive, no matter what occurs! I will find you." Hawkeye in Last of the Mohicans  
3. Ice cubes  
4. A rocket launcher_

_Lyrics at the start and end are from Disturbed's Overburdened._

_it's the closing of the curtain  
in the play that was my life  
countless chapters left unopened  
tragedies inside…_

Life. A simple word, bearing much meaning. For some, it does not begin with birth; for others, it does not end at death; and for many, it begins as it ends… with nothingness.

I happen to be one of the unfortunate few who falls under all of the above. It wasn't meant to be this way. How did my life, very near a peaceful serendipity for the last few years, suddenly go so very wrong? I never deserved such happiness, this I know, but do I truly deserve this pain?

It was once said that love is whatever you can still betray. Therefore, betrayal can only happen if you love. I know now that this is true. Real betrayal, the kind that splits your soul and leaves you shattered and empty, does not occur in the business world, in the intelligence world, amongst casual acquaintances; it can only happen if you truly love to begin with. This is why I've taken the actions I have; this is why I have invited Julian to dinner tonight, for what will be the last time.

There is a soft knock at the door, and my heart constricts. I know what I must do; I know it is the only way; but even so, I'm dying inside. I send a quick glance over the table, triple checking to be sure all is in place. Appetizers are out, the main course awaits, and the wine is chilling in the kitchen. All servants have been dismissed for the night. With a deep breath, I go to the door.

Julian is standing there, a gentle smile lighting his handsome face. The smile fades slightly as his eyes meet mine, and I realize that while I may be one of the best in the game, I can't possibly conceal the depths of my pain from him. I cough briefly, using the quick respite to force the flood of feelings behind a solid wall. He'll still see, but hopefully not as clearly.

He gives me a concerned look when the cough subsides. I wave him off slightly, offering up the most heartfelt smile I can muster. His concern vanishes, replaced by another brilliant smile.

"I'm glad you came," I comment as I open the door wider for him to enter.

"Of course. Why wouldn't I?" he questions ask he stops to give me a small kiss. I don't reply, merely take his hand and lead him to the dining room.

"Please tell me you didn't cook this yourself," he says.

"No, why?"

"I may be afraid you'd poison the both of us with your cooking," he jabs lightly. My step falters, but I quickly force myself forward.

"No, the cooks just left not long ago. Have a seat, I'm going to get the wine." I step into the kitchen, where I pause and take a deep breath. I've killed men before; this shouldn't be so hard. But I know that rationale is silly and of no help now. He isn't some other man; he's the man I love, but the man I must kill nonetheless.

I grab two glasses and pull the bottle of wine out of the ice cubes it rests in. Glancing around the corner, I ensure that Sark isn't going to walk in on what I am about to do. He's seated comfortably in his chair, back to me, apparently looking over all the options on the table. I reach into my pocket and pull out a small bag filled with white powder. Risking one more glance to the dining room, I duck back into the kitchen and pour the powder, then quickly dispose of the bag. Filling the two glasses with wine, I swirl his to be sure the powder is not visible. Grabbing both glasses and the bottle, I move back out to where he waits.

"The wine," I say as I place a glass in front of him. He lifts it and gives it a careful sniff, and I wait expectantly. After a moment, he looks up at me uncertainly, but then a smile breaks out.

"My favorite," he notes.

"Naturally. What else would I get?" I place the bottle between us and take my own seat. He takes a small sip, and I watch with veiled interest. "Would you pass the bread?" He takes a chunk and hands the basket over to me. I take a piece and begin buttering it. When I look up briefly, it is to see Julian paused, staring somewhat intently at his glass of wine. I quickly refocus on my bread, fear catching in my throat. I will admit, I am a coward when it comes to him. I don't want a brutal confrontation to be our end; I just want it to be done quickly.

When I risk another glance up at him, there's no sign of the apprehension I saw moments ago. He is now working on a salad, and I can tell just from looking that he's taken another drink of the wine. My worries fade; he wouldn't continue drinking it if he knew what was in it. I clear my throat lightly and attempt to strike up a conversation.

"Do you remember the River Cess?" He glances up curiously.

"The Liberia mission?" I nod, prompting a quiet laugh. "How could I not remember that? We parachuted into a crocodile-infested river, and that was the easy part." A genuine smile creases my face in spite of myself.

"At least that crocodile only got the rocket launcher when he lunged at you."

"Yes, and then the launcher misfired on me when I attempted to use it later." We both laugh at the memory. "Are we feeling nostalgic tonight?" he asks. I sigh to myself; he has no idea just how much.

"We've come down a long road together, Julian."

"That we have," he nods.

"When we first met, I never could have imagined things would turn out as they have. We're both done with the spy world, the CIA, Rambaldi… it's all gone, and I've never been happier than I am with you." I pause, drawing a breath to calm myself. I know time is running out on us, and despite his betrayal, I still love him, and I feel a deep need to let him know this.

"Mongolia," he says suddenly. I look at him, confused.

"What?"

"Mongolia," he repeats. "The Gobi desert. Four years ago." I nod, now recalling our trip there, which hadn't gone so well. "I thought I was going to die that day; for the first time, I truly thought it was over. Do you recall what you told me?" His eyes hold my own as both of our memories drift back. I nod slowly, and almost in unison, we repeat the words I had whispered to him.

"Stay alive, no matter what happens. I will find you."

"You delivered on that promise. You came back, and you saved me. No one had ever taken that kind of risk for me before. I'd already long since fallen in love with you, but that day I realized I could never live life without you. I would never want to."

I feel tears threatening, not for the first time this night, and I break eye contact to regain my composure. My doubts once again eat away at me; have I made a mistake? I glance to the glass in his hand, knowing that even if I have, there is no way to retract my steps. What's done is done.

His own eyes are now locked on the wine he holds; after a long moment, he looks up to me again, sadness written across his face. He takes a deep breath before speaking again.

"You know," he whispers. I frown.

"Know what?" I question, keeping my voice even and face neutral. I know exactly what he means; it's obvious, to both of us.

"Don't. Please, don't do that. Whatever you may think of me now, I know I deserve it. But we both know I'm not stupid." I nod slightly.

"Yes, I know. I found out yesterday." He says nothing, taking another bite of salad before looking up at me, a hint of sorrow lingering.

"Are there any questions I can answer for you? I owe you that much."

"Why?" At this single word, he stops cold. Finally, Julian's eyes meet my own.

"In the beginning, there was nothing; _I_ was nothing. And you certainly didn't mean anything to me." He pauses, taking a long slow sip of wine. "So when I got orders from Irina to keep an eye on you and report back, of course I had no reason to hesitate. I never knew if the mission would evolve; I had no idea if my job would go from merely watching you to something more aggressive." He pauses again, staring through me idly.

"By the time the rumors of Irina's demise began gaining steam, it really didn't matter anymore. I was lost to her, because I had found you. It wasn't a mission anymore; it hasn't been for a long time. I'm here because this is real."

"Why didn't you tell me, Julian?" I cry out. "I would have believed you, forgiven you- we could have moved on together. None of this would have been necessary!" He coughs sharply, painfully, and I feel a shudder rack my body; our time has just run out.

"I don't deserve your forgiveness. Death comes calling for everyone, in time. I would rather die by your hand than anyone else," he assures me quietly.

"You figured it out, didn't you?" A brief nod. "And you drank anyway." Another nod as he smiles grimly and finishes the last of his wine.

"I should have told you long ago, I know this. But I thought you'd never be able to forgive me. I decided I'd rather take my chances on you finding out if it meant we had more time together."

"Julian-" He cuts me off quickly.

"Can you honestly tell me you would have been able to forgive such a betrayal as this?" I say nothing, silently admitting the truth of this statement. "This is how it had to end," he whispers. After a moment, he stands up slowly.

"Julian…" I say hesitantly. He offers a reassuring smile, then checks his watch. A brief nod, and his eyes meet mine again.

"It's a good time to die." He takes a step towards me, but is quickly seized by convulsions. I immediately move from my chair and run to catch him.

"Julian, I'm so sorry."

"Don't. Perfect ending," he chokes out.

"It shouldn't have to be," I whisper. His eyes cloud as he tries to focus on me, and I know he is about to breathe his last.

"Yes. Always loved you… remember that," he pleads.

"I will." He smiles slightly and allows his eyes to drift shut, and I pull him tightly to me as his life slowly drains away. I don't know how long we sit, but I do not move until the ringing of my cell phone pulls me from my reverie. I gently set him back on the floor as I stand up. I reach across the table for my own glass of wine as I simultaneously pull the phone from my pocket. It ceases ringing before I can answer; I frown, but drop it to the ground as I reseat myself next to Julian.

I stare at him, looking truly peaceful in death as he never quite did in life. Perhaps he is right; perhaps this is, in fact, how it should be. Regardless, I touch his face softly and lean over to whisper to him.

"I didn't want to do it... a part of me died with you. But it's what I do. And I do my job very well." I pull away and turn my attention to my wine, which went untouched throughout the meal. Slowly, cautiously, I lift it and begin to drink deeply. I'm forced to pause, coughing as some of the thick white powder catches in my throat. I quickly tip the glass back, draining the rest of the crimson liquid. I turn and look at him once more.

"I will find you," I assure him gently. I glance again at the empty glass in my hand, at the bottom of which I can still see traces of the powder that is proving to be our end. With a wretched cry, I hurl the reviled object across the room, feeling nothing but an even deeper pain as it shatters. I take a deep, steadying breath, only to be wracked with harsh coughs. This brings me peace; my time has come.

I slowly lean back, settling myself next to Julian. I close my eyes and get comfortable, as if I'm simply going to sleep for the night. I know that I am, in fact, going to sleep for the last time. I have accepted my fate; it is my own doing.

My eyes fly open as I again hear my phone ringing. I pick it up and check the caller ID; I recognize it, and know I must answer.

"Yes?" He hesitates momentarily, and I realize he has noticed the change in my voice.

"Are you all right?"

"I will be soon, Jack. Very soon." I shut my eyes and the phone falls to the floor. I can still hear him calling out to me over the din of voices in my own mind.

"Are you there? Arvin? What's going on?"

I release a slow breath as I perceive my end rapidly approaching. I can feel a strange sense of relaxed peace as death's warm embrace captures me. Julian is the last thing I see in my mind's eye before the darkness washes over me, and I am lost to this life.

_I was fighting for a reason  
Holy blessed homicide  
Seems I have committed treason  
All I've sacrificed  
Led to nothing…_


End file.
